where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
