My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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