I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
