Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just invented taco cereal.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize