he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize