The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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