can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
50% drunk capacity currently
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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