Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Randomize
