Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
