My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They have beer where we have blood.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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