Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
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