Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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