Well apparently he's into motor boating.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize