we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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