My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
