so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
