Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
