He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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