I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
