Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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