I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
