Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
