I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
