there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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