I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
