I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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