I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My bed smells like the plague
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
