It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
