And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
