Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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