You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
