you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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