we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize