Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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