So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
