Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
