I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
