I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm too high and old for this...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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