I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she pinky promised me she was 18
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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