umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
worst night to have a conscience
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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