A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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