Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
