he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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