The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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