we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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