this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
