Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize