Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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