On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize