More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
