i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
