It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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