i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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