pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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