hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
