Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
