1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
