there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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