That's when you crack a 10am beer
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
