I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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