i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
