I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
