I looked at my own cervix.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
