sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
