living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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