Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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