I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
