We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
