I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize