2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
