I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
