Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
