Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
